No Angels, only Demons…{in me}

Yeah so it’s February the 16th and I’m still fat. The brightness of the new year has faded; the enthusiasm and motivation for further change dissipated. Trickled through my fingers like water, the freshness of 2018 worn off, replaced with the realities of life.

The humidity is heavy and so am I.

I went off track somewhere back in late December. Driven mental by a festive combination of Christmas chaos and hysterical children I turned to Cheezels. Then drive thru. And Baileys. And just like that, the floodgates opened and I went hell for leather on eating my emotions. I find stress really responds well to carbs. It wasn’t just the food though, I’ve become progressively more disinterested in the gym. It’s not you gym, it’s me. I’m just not into you anymore. Nothing has changed there but there’s been a distinct change in how I feel about going there.  I feel like an outsider in a place I once felt so connected to. I don’t know how to fit it in my life anymore. Or maybe it’s me that doesn’t fit in there? Either way, I’m self aware enough to know it’s not working so something needs to change in the exercise department.

It’s February the 16th and old habits die hard. The creep of the scale upwards. The reluctance to socialise. The self loathing returned. The helpless, hopeless feelings that I thought gone, returned. Pushing upwards, choking me. A lifetime of being labelled fat, of disordered eating of, self hatred isn’t so easily banished I guess. I lie awake at night wondering what to do. My mind goes to the surgery. To diets. Just eat less and move more. If only it were that easy. You’re just greedy. You’re just lazy. Maybe. But the truth is more complicated than that. Food is my poison, my disease. And I’ve let it go viral once more.

The most frustrating part of this whole thing is that every other bit of me is in such a good place. Mentally I feel resilient and settled. Strong. Happy. But this, this damn issue. This battle. This demon. How do I banish you? How do I overcome this snowball of disorder and damage? Years of being called morbidly obese, a blimp. Of being told I needed stomach stapling when I was a size 12. If you’re a cynical hard ass who doesn’t believe words have an impact, well let me present exhibit A. Me. The girl who self fulfilled the prophecy of words and labels and became exactly what I was told I was, when I really, truly wasn’t.

I wish it were just a bad day, but it’s been a few bad weeks. But maybe, just maybe, owning up to what is going on, is the first step to clawing back this part of myself. Of stopping the spiral, before it’s completely out of control.

I read a quote today. By chance it appeared.

“You cannot defeat darkness by running from it, nor can you conquer your inner demons by hiding them from the world. In order to defeat the darkness, you must bring it into the light.” (Seth Adam Smith.)

And that friends, is exactly what this here (badly written) blog is. A confrontation. A conflict between me and it. Out in the open. In the light. For you. For me. For the haters even. My pain isn’t private. It never has been. I walk around with it clinging to me. It is there for all to see. And people will write to me and tell me I shouldn’t share this. That this is private. For a therapist, for hushed conversations lest people know my struggle. But I will not apologise for making someone uncomfortable with my truth, with this conflict. I can direct you elsewhere if you wish. You see, the only damn way I’m going to defeat this once and for all, is by getting very, very uncomfortable with myself and my past and current behaviours and beliefs. And that there, is the answer.

It’s as easy and as hard as that.


The Agony and Ecstasy of Loving You…


We never thought we’d get here but here we are. The summer has been long and hot. You have excitedly counted the days down, your patience wearing thin. For weeks I wished it to arrive, as I struggled to balance the needs of all 3 of you, without the routines of pre-school, friends and activities. But now I wish I could stop time. To keep you here with me. Safe and sound. How can I possibly let my heart walk around on the outside?

Tomorrow I will hand you over to the world. I know you’re ready to go, more than ready. You have come into your own these last 6 months and you are so full of life; full to the brim, your enthusiasm boils over, searing the hearts of those around you. Your love for life, I hope it remains untouched. I hope it only grows and I wish you a village around you who not only embraces you but shares your warmth, kindness and ability to see the silly in everything.

Your uniforms are labelled, your lunchbox and bag is ready. We’ve gone through it all and you grin at me, indulging me in my spiel, nodding and telling me that you know. You can do it all by yourself and can I just drop you off at the gate please? I cram my sadness back down, reminding you that the boys want to see your classroom and so can we please come in too? How odd it is to be on this side. To not be the teacher awaiting the students. To be gently ushering the parents out the door as they watch their kids enter my world. I know what to expect from that aspect. I’m not concerned about what you need or what you’ll learn; I know all that. But this emotion, this raw ache when I think of you out there, dipping your toe into the ocean of life; it is new and it hurts. Like a wave, it rushed in and knocked me off my feet. I have spent this week struggling to break the surface; sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe and I realise I’m holding my breath.

It was just yesterday you were born, and I stumbled into motherhood; fumbling my way through the days. And my god, it went so quickly, so quickly.They tell you, the oldies in the supermarket and the midwives in the hospital; The days are long, but the years are short. I rolled my eyes at the time, but I wish I had listened. It flew by and what I would do for one of those days back. Just one. To hold you in my arms, a little pink bundle of love; when everything you needed, I provided. I know you need more now. More than I can give you. You need to move on to the next stage; you need to move away from me, from us. Your circle, your mind, your soul needs to expand, to experience. And it hurts to admit that; but a child needs a village. Just don’t go too far, OK? Come back to me often.  I’ll wait for you everyday and will try to not miss a thing. For even though I know you must go, you’re not really gone and I will always be here for you.

Tomorrow I gift you the world Addison. It’s big and wild and often wonderful. It is sometimes horrible but always hopeful. It is full of inspiration and love, just like you.

Don’t let it change you, my girl. You change it.

You change it.



{Stuff, Things and Me…}

There are a few events in my life I’m not overly proud of. The time I broke the TV (and can I please just reiterate once again because I know he reads this, I was not aiming for the TV with the candlesticks. I was aiming for the wall, thus why I do not play sports.) The time I flashed someone in the dorms at Uni, informing my friend at a 21st I was just off to have a little spew so I could come back and continue drinking and that one time I yelled at a prostitute in Kings Cross. To be fair, she yelled at me first.


Of course there’s plenty more cringy moments since I became a parent, and it’s usually because I’ve been pushed to the brink aka 4pm. And look I’m sure there’s some sort of psychology behind parental outbursts that can be related to the complete and utter lack of control that one experiences when dealing with one or more small people. This year though, it’s become abundantly clear to me, that my frustration builds to bursting based on one thing.

Fucking Clutter.

Yeah I swore and no, I’m not sorry. Because clutter is deserved of a swear, so beastly it is. You see, most people who know me well, know that I do not do clutter. I hate stuff, truly, I hate it. Remember that scene in Friends where Monica goes to the ex girlfriend’s house to ask if she can clean up? Well, I get that. In high school I used to clean other kid’s desks out for them. I like order and I like organising and being organised. You know sometimes I secretly watch Hoarders: Buried Alive and eat chocolate; gleefully gasping at the dead cats buried under 20 years worth of newspapers and bike parts. Both repulsive and compelling, that show is my secret passion.

But of course, you know what the antithesis to order and calm is don’t you? That’s right, kids. Kids facking love stuff. They are the clutter women in Labyrinth embodied. The more clutter the better.  My children would legit cover themselves in stuff if they could and what’s worse is they bloody know if you remove stuff. Before Christmas I did some sort of stealth operation clean up of the rooms and spirited the bags of crap out to the garage under the cover of darkness. Next morning I’ve got Addison all up in my grills demanding to know where her collection of cut off My Little Pony hair is. I just, I don’t know where to go with that.

Anyway, a little while back I added one of those not so proud moments to my list when I lost my shit at a basket full of roads and kicked it so hard it broke into a thousand and forty two pieces. Which was so ridiculous as it just made the whole situation worse because I then had to clean up the basket and the toys. This all happened as we were trying to leave the house on time and the kids had pulled toys out and were refusing to pack up and well yeah, in Addison’s words, “Daddy; Mummy went cray cray at the aqua basket, said 3 rude words and now we have to go to Kmart.

2017 has been a year of monumental growth and positive change for me and it’s now time to stretch that out over the ones I love. So in 2018 I am making the pledge to return to form, in the organising sense. To restore calm and create the kind of breathing space we all need in our home.

Pre kids I used to write e books and articles for several websites on organising. I used the techniques in my work and home spaces back then, why not now? So what am I going to do? Well as we count down the last days of 2017 my plan is to remove all visible, unused stuff. Today I basically put the timer on for 15 minutes and collected whatever I deemed useless. I’ll do the same several times over the next few days. I wouldn’t fall for the trick of deep decluttering at this point; especially if you’ve got some level 5 hoarding situation happening. Last time I tried to completely clean out the kitchen I got one hour in and sank to the floor hyperventilating, surrounded by piles of plates and saucepans. It was dramatic and exhausting. Just remove visible stuff and don’t put it in the boot and drive around for 8 months with it. Take it to charity, gift it to friends, sell it or chuck it. My mantra from way back, briefly forgotten but always important….The best way to let go of crap; is to let go of crap.

Tomorrow I’m going to clean bins, change sheets and sort the fridge and pantry. (I recently found a bottle of Dijon mustard in there from 2011. This is a concern considering we spent most of 2011 living in Los Angeles.) NYE I’ll do the last of the washing and tidy up. I want to step into 2018 ready.

I have my cheap but cute diary for keeping track of the chaos, and plan on continuing my Stepford wife routine of cleaning days. It works for me, it may not for you but I was getting too overwhelmed by not having a schedule in place. Like meal planning, it takes some effort to get going, but pays off. Pinterest is your friend when it comes to this sort of malarkey and if I get some time I’ll pull out and post the routines/lists I’ve made.

My biggest plan for 2018 though is to greatly reduce my consumption. Firstly of cheezels and second of all the stuff we don’t need. You know what I mean right? Plastic toys at the checkout, clothes you’ll never wear, homewares you don’t really need…basically landfill. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t need to do it anymore. For me, I was buying (and eating) to fill a need. A need which cannot be filled by stuff and things, by mindless consumption. That need is no longer there but the fallout remains in the form of stuff and my thighs. And so, it’s time to take out the trash.

The best way to let go of crap; is to let go of crap.