Slightly Sleepy…

 
I am very tired. Not slightly sleepy or I just need a good night’s sleep tired. I am bone aching, mind altering, probably shouldn’t drive TIRED. When I bend over and then stand up I see stars and sometimes it sounds like there’s an echo in my head.

I am so tired.
 
Spouse once told me sleep deprivation is a form of torture. My how right he was. And you don’t realise how true this is till you have a newborn who’s woken you every 45 minutes for 4 nights straight.
But this current bout of insomnia is not all directly related to having a baby in the house. Prior to Addison I actually wasn’t a good sleeper. I’ve had bouts of extreme insomnia on and off for about 8 years and mostly I’d cope fine because I could catch up, take a sick day or just rest. Or take sleeping tablets.
 
 But now there is no rest for the wicked AKA the mother. I am very bad at napping so I can’t take a nap when she does and even if I did, she could wake after 30 minutes and I probably wouldn’t even be asleep at that point. I also have stuff to do when she sleeps and I occasionally enjoy having some time to me, to remember who I once was and fantasise about grocery shopping on my own.
So whilst Addison isn’t the actual cause of my sleep deprivation currently I do want to point out that no, my baby does NOT sleep through. She has a handful of times but not for that last couple of months. Apparently this makes us both terrible failures. Her at sleeping and me at mothering. Because you see, babies by 6 months should be sleeping through. (Lucky you if they are!!) Direct quote from unnamed ‘friend’. I have had people tell me their 2 week old sleeps through, then at another time tell me the same child started sleep training at 7 months to get them to sleep through! Make up your mind. Or at least remember what lies you’ve told to whom…possibly a symptom of sleep deprivation.
Feed her farex in a bottle, stop breastfeeding and start formula now.
Top up, wrap up, read up….
SHUT UP.
 No, I’m not stopping breastfeeding. I’m not putting farex in a bottle and I’m not listening to anymore passive aggressive ‘advice.’ Sigh. One feed overnight doesn’t bother me. But not being able to go to sleep and stay asleep is killing me. I cannot ‘power down’. My brain is on some kind of hyper alert state and starts revving up when everyone is settling down.
As a result I am currently very sensitive and defensive. I cried on the phone to the Expedia lady and threatened to sue Target over another stuff up on their behalf. (Why? WHY did I go back?? Big W for life!) Spouse is nervous around me. And I keep getting into fights on the inter web over teachers rights and people who find breastfeeding offensive. It’s all a bit mental.
And mostly I don’t understand why we have to lie to each other about our babies and their sleeping or lack there of? I wonder if some women feel good by making others feel crap in regards to what their babies are/aren’t doing? Is it another insecurity thing? I’ll bolster myself up by bringing you down! Who knows?
I don’t care who knows that Addison doesn’t sleep through and you know what? I don’t sleep through either.
 
Quick! Call the sleep trainers!

3 thoughts on “Slightly Sleepy…

  1. Famille Renault-Koroschetz

    I am so with you on that one! Not ashamed of telling my 2yo doesn’t sleep through. wakes up at least once for a bottle of milk. Yes I give him milk in the middle of the night even if so called doctors tell it’s not good. It is pathetic to feel so free when spouse take care of him so I can go shopping (groceries) by myself. Hang on there you are definitely not alone.

    Reply
  2. Becca

    Well said Mez.
    I am the same in regards to the hyper brain – reading is my only way of being able to slow it down (especially when it’s thinking “why bother, bub will just wake up as soon as you shut your eyes! lol), so I read until my eyes are shutting.
    Just hang in there, every 45 minutes 4 nights straight would send anyone bonkers.

    Reply
  3. thehaphazardblogger

    I’m the same. I think it’s anyone with a type A personality to be honest. I don’t nap when Anna naps, never have. A well meaning midwife chastised me in hospital and said “you’ll learn to nap when she does, trust me”. Well no, sorry, it’s not going to happen and to this day it hasn’t. One nap in 16 months and I was whacked out of my brain with mastitis. That doesn’t count. As for the insomnia, I’m with you there too. I don’t know how to switch off, never have, and have always lived on 4 -5 hours sleep. Which was fine pre child, but now, it just suck. So… I have no advice, just sympathy. As for Addi, well you know all about Anna and her lack of sleep, so no competition here!

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