2 hours sleep, so itchy I’m scratching my skin off and the biggest sugar high followed by a huge crash.
Hello and Good Morning. My name is Merrill and I am an IQS failure.
I just let go yesterday.I didn’t even think twice about it. (Actually that’s a lie. I considered it before I started simply because I felt I wasn’t seeing results in the mirror. You know after 3 weeks. Yes, impatient much?) It all started on Saturday when I consumed a teeny piece of dark chocolate. Then come Sunday I went nuts. The sugar monster emerged and before you knew it I was chugging back a 7UP, Raspberry Lemonade, a Kit Kat and KFC.
I do not; do things by halves.
What happened then was as usual a snapshot of madness. (I really believe we were meant for reality TV.) Me flinging myself around the room, moaning and weeping about being a failure whilst Addison maniacally bashed her new Congo drums and Spouse attempted to check his fantasy basketball scores amidst the madness, muttering about injured players and negative scores. The stupid thing is, I didn’t even enjoy any of it. And once I’d eaten it, I went into sudden depressive mode. I always do after eating that much shit. I start to doubt myself and consider giving up ever trying to be healthy. I dwell on all the bad things people have said to me about my weight; the hurtful comments, the ‘best intentions’ comments where loved ones pat you on the hand and softly advise you “It’s time to do something about your little problem.” They think they’re helping by insulting and shaming you. And then I start to wonder if people will ever value me for me? You know, not the outside me but who I am inside and what I can offer as a person. And then I remember that society tells me I’m worthless because I don’t look like Miranda Kerr.
It’s a nasty and fast spiral into feeling like crap, after eating crap.
Anyway, I was up all night until 5am when I dropped off for 2 hours. During that time I was like a wound up toy, racing from game playing (yes, bloody CCS) to cleaning the kitchen to sweeping the balcony. Yes, all whilst the world slumbered.
I’m not sure what to do now. The IQS bible tells me doubt and regression is very common at the 4 week mark. I’m tempted to devour all in sight. I’m also tempted to pick myself up and keep going.
I need to go look at some more timely quotes about journeys and shit.