I had a terrible dream last night. It wasn’t even really a dream, it was just a moment in the dream. I can’t even tell you what was happening before the moment. All I know is that someone asked me where Smushy was and for some reason I was in the backyard of my childhood home and the pool was there. And then I ran. And when I got to the pool, I looked down and there she was staring back at me. At that moment I woke up with a scream and was off and running down the hallway at lightening speed. And she was there, curled up, sleeping peacefully. The relief was incredible.
When I was pregnant I never had scary dreams like some people I know did. I was grateful for that; the gallstone attacks were enough to deal with, without throwing in nightmares. Last night’s dream was the first nightmare I’ve had about Addison. It was so realistic that I still feel shaken. And guilty. Why wasn’t I with her? Was I supposed to be? Was I doing something else instead of looking after her? Mother’s Guilt in the dreamscape…
Sometimes It’s a bit overwhelming to think of all the danger in the world. Right now we’re dealing with baby proofing. The house has been cushioned and cleared. The kitchen is locked off, the doors are always shut. But still you have to be careful. Smushy can move man! And she’s pulling herself up on everything, making me wonder how imminent walking is? Yikes. And then, when they get older how do you let them go and feel secure in the knowledge they’ll be OK Sleepovers, strangers, crossing roads, pools, driving, parties….the list is endless. I’m 32 and my Mum still worries about me. I get that. I’m a big worry wart. But how does that translate in parenting without you looking like an overprotective, overbearing lunatic?
Because that is not who I want to be.
I guess it’s a process. Knowing that you’ve equipped your child with the skills to know what’s OK and what’s not; what’s right, what’s wrong. To feel confident in telling someone if they feel uncomfortable, scared or threatened. And keeping the lines of communication open even when they’d rather shut the door as they enter into teenage-land.
I’m glad, today, that we have been doing swimming lessons. After last night, I’m adding water safety to the worry list. Argh, minefield I tells ya, minefield!!
I always blog on Tuesdays…