I am Merrill {And I have depression}

I am Merrill. I am 32. I love chocolate and Twilight. And I have depression. I am a loving mother and rock star wife and a mighty fine teacher. And I have depression. I am funny and I love my friends and I can sew. And I have depression. I love the USA and I love flying and drinking champagne. And I have depression. I have asthma and am allergic to nuts and seafood. And I have depression. I love Theme Parks and scary movies and dancing. And I have depression. I am just like you. I am not below you. I am not crazy or psychopathic. I do no need to have my head read. I do not need to be avoided or spoken to loudly. I do not need to be called names or talked about. I do not have PND or OCD, I have depression. It does not ‘go away’, it ebbs and flows like the ocean and sometimes I am overtaken by the waves and sometimes I am not. I manage it like I manage my asthma; with medication. I see a counsellor, I talk to people. 
I know it makes some people uncomfortable. That’s OK. I am not suicidal, you can still talk to me like I’m ‘normal.’ Because actually, I am normal. (For the most part…;P.) We don’t have to talk about it at all, but please don’t avoid me or worse, pity me. I am simply one of the 1 in 3 people who suffer from a mental illness that you will encounter in your lifetime. There will be more, it may be you. I will not hide that I suffer from this. If acknowledging this makes you feel ashamed of me, then we best part ways. I am hard enough on me, no need for you to join the party.
Sometimes I have to go to ground for a bit. Maybe I won’t answer the phone or come out. It’s important for me to do this. Please don’t discard me because I am flawed. Sometimes I have dreadful turmoil and being in a social situation makes it worse. Sometimes I just need only the closest people in my life around. It’s not because I don’t love you, it’s just because I care enough about myself, and you, to know my limits and boundaries. And also yours. Most people aren’t psychologists and I have learnt the hard way that there is such a thing as leaning too much on others, the professionals are there for a reason.
My depression is sometimes specific and sometimes not. Some days I am just sad. Other days it is a specific issue that ignites it. For months I may feel consistently upbeat and then, like now, it strikes me down. Currently I am sleep deprived and this is feeding the demon. Keeping well rested and healthy is so important.
Right now I am feeling at odds with my future. I am not sure I want any more children. My love for Smushy is incredible and I am so content with her and spouse…us. I have itchy feet. I miss America, I miss the world. Do we spread our wings again? Do we settle for a bit? I don’t know. And so I feel uncomfortable and unsettled and sad. I take joy in Addison and bathe in the moments with her. I keep my sadness for the alone times. For the dark. And I beat myself up for my flaws and ungrateful sadness. I punish myself in my head for this tortured way of thinking. Who am I to be so sad when I have so much? Who am I, with my first world problems? I am hard on myself because ..I don’t know why. I want to pull myself together and pull my socks up. But for now, for today I can’t. I know some people want to yell this at me, to shake me..but it doesn’t help. Do you scream and yell at me when I have an asthma attack? No.

It is hard to explain, to show you the pain. But like always, I will beat it and tomorrow is a new day. 
I am Merrill. I am 32. I have depression. But I am so much more than that too. 

18 thoughts on “I am Merrill {And I have depression}

  1. NessofBoganville

    I am struggling too at the moment and sometimes it’s hard for me to see that I really am more than just my depression and anxiety, so I’m glad that you can see that about yourself and remind me of it too. Hugs to you. x

    Reply
  2. mummylovestowrite.com

    Hi Mez. Thank you for your very honest post. I am a fellow sufferer and blog about my illness too. I hope that it raises awareness and reduces the stigma. I look forward to reading more of your blog.

    Reply
  3. Lani

    A very honest post. It’s interesting that you call yourself flawed. We are all flawed, in one way or another. Thanks you for sharing x

    Reply
  4. havealaughonme

    Oh wow Mez what a touching and honest post! You gave me goosebumps. I understand a little bit about the depression beast, it was the reason one of the loves of my life hurt me beyond repair. He has depression and we were only so young and he couldn’t tell me, so he hurt me very badly emotionally to keep me away, and I forgave him but he couldn’t forgive himself. What an amazing woman, mum and wife you are, hang in there – Em x

    Reply
  5. keepingupwiththeholsbys.com

    powerful post, Mez. I love your honest approach. I truly think one of the biggest gifts we can give to the world is honesty, because it demystifies and let’s people know that they are not alone.
    Power to you….. you’re totally more than your asthma too 😉

    Reply
  6. Tegan Churchill

    A raw, powerful post. I like that you have said *have* instead of *am*. It was something that I struggled with for a long time…having an identity beyond the mental illness.

    Reply
  7. theviblog

    You are extraordinarily brave to write so honestly and share so much of yourself so that people can understand how things are for you. For people like me who have family members who have suffered depression, but have never suffered from it themselves, it can feel like we are on the other side of a glass wall. We can SEE the pain but we can’t fully understand it because it’s often so hard for them to explain (particularly if it’s the non-specific kind you mentioned). Thank you for helping to deliver some understanding for those of us on the other side xxx

    Reply

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