Miles to go.. {Open your eyes}

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It’s tooooo hard. It’s too bloody hard. I’m tired.  It’s too hot today. It’s dark now. I’m tired. I have to do the washing. Today is a work day. I’m tired. We have plans. I just want a bite. Only a taste. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I deserve it. It’s a party. I’m tired. I have too much to lose. I ate that, so I may as well eat this. I’ve failed now. I’m tired. I’m quitting. I’m tired. I’m a failure. I’m tired. I’ll always be fat. I’m tired. I’m a loser.

I’m tired.

I’m tired.

I’m tired.

I am so fucking sick and tired of this dysfunctional merry go round of hell. Get me off this ride. It’s making me sick to the stomach. 

I hate myself. I am a mess. And I feel alone out here. Where are my people? I am suffering in my ability to tell people I’m OK when I really just need a hug. I am too good at appearing self sufficient and tough.

There is no hug at the bottom of the ice cream tub. Tell me again. There is nothing for you at the end of the chip rainbow. The pot of gold is all that you have and fail to see because you can’t see the blessings for the fat thighs. I am drowning in food. My shiny, crazy, funny self is drowning. I hate everything and nothing. I don’t want you to see me for you will judge. The mean girls are circling and gleeful. I would rather stay here and hide, alone and tired.

I have miles to go. Miles and miles to learn to open my eyes and wake up from this nightmare that is my issue with food.

Open your eyes, Merrill, open your eyes.

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10 thoughts on “Miles to go.. {Open your eyes}

  1. Danielle

    Oh Mez.. I find that when I’m not getting enough sleep, my self control goes out the window when it comes to food. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I wasn’t able to even think about eating healthier until my girls were around 2 years old and even then, it’s a struggle.
    Don’t give up, but please be kind to yourself too xx

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  2. Jo

    Just wanted to say I hear you and I am definitely not going to judge you. In fact anyone honest like you about the realities of life, always has my respect. I know more about who you are through your honesty, and its all good to me. Not only do I not judge you, but I am happy to let you into my world because I know you won’t judge me. Am sure others feel the same. I often wonder where my people are too, but as an outsider, I see so many people who care about you! But i know it is really hard to feel that sometimes, when you are in that dark place. As for being tired all the time and not being able to tackle food issues etc, I don’t have the magic cure, otherwise I would be doing it, but I do know the more you feel bad about your exhaustion and struggles, and what people think who are on the outside looking in, the worse it gets. You are tired for a reason, you have food issues for a reason, you have a right to feel how you feel about everything, and you also have a right to take the unproductive pressure off and know that you will get to the reasons, sort through them, pass through them and overcome them in your time, when the time is right. I can’t tell you how to fix anything because I suck at life, lol, but you are doing great. I do know constant tiredness makes everything bigger, darker, harder, bleaker. But one day you won’t be so tired, and you will be better placed to do what you want to do for your yourself. If today the best you can do is the basics for you and your child, then it’s enough. Just because someone claims to be doing a thousand things and that too, just means they have a different life and circumstance to you, not that they are better. Or maybe they are flat out lying, because they feel the same way you do, but lack the courage to say so.

    (None of that made sense I don’t think, but my point is, I care, so I just want to reach down into the dark hole you are sitting in, so you know someone see you and knows you are there, even if I am not able to do much.)

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  3. Lex

    Babe, I know things seem hard but I have to reiterate that you are doing a fantastic job! As a mother and as a wife….I told you yesterday that I constantly feel lucky to be your life partner, perhaps I don’t even deserve you, but they fact of the matter is that you do this…all of this…for our baby….a beautiful life that loves and needs you as much as you love and need her… And this selflessness is absolutely worthy of praise.
    Yeah I love you, but i am sorry That i don’t understand how you can feel depressed. Again I think the curse of being an aware intelligent being has rued it’s head once more… I suppose my “lack of intelligence’ has set me free on this one….

    Anyhow, hope i haven’t intruded….just know my words would make more sense in forum…love you

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  4. Angela

    Listen to your husband, for he is wise. Listen to your friends, for they are wise. Now listen to me – hugs, a listening and non-judgmental ear, a coffee catch up, a playdate, cyber feelgood vibes are what I can offer you. I feel blessed to call you my friend, you were key to getting our mothers’ group off the ground after the initial meetings and keep it going no matter what you’re going through. My heart hurts knowing I can’t help the inner demons you fight. But I want to help, in any small way, and just want you to know I’m here for you. I’m so sorry things are so hard for you, sweetheart. xx

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