What’s my excuse? {There isn’t one}

I am feeling very uncomfortable. I have had several realisations over the last week or so, and it’s making me uncomfortable. Which is not a bad thing, because for me uncomfortable equates to movement. And movement is so sorely needed right now.

{Warning. Swears ahead.}

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The thing is this, I think, well I know, I’ve been kidding myself big time. It all actually came to a head when that stupid “What’s your excuse?” picture came flashing up in my news feed. See here. Basically this lady has 3 kids and the hard ripped body of a gym junkie. When I saw it I was so angry. Like, so, so angry. Hey, fuck you lady! What’s my excuse? My excuse is I don’t have to bloody give you one. And what’s your excuse for being a self righteous asshole?

As the debate dragged on all over the Internets I started to realise that I actually don’t have an excuse. I mean I don’t want to actually spend 2 hours in the gym everyday, and I prefer to spend my money elsewhere, but I’m not physically unable to do so. I don’t have an illness or disability stopping me from losing weight. I’m time poor sure, but who isn’t? I’m not angry at the woman for being thin, I wish I was too. I think her slogan was stupid and divisive, in a time when mothers and women in general don’t need anything else to fuel the fire of the competitive crap wheel. I’m just…well…I’m angry at me. Angry because I’ve jumped on this bandwagon of body acceptance and honor my curves and hey, fuck you, I’m gonna stuff my face with shit and slam you with a fat shaming tag if you try and broach the subject of my health. Yes, health. Because here’s the thing, body acceptance should be about accepting that every body is different. People look different and some people carry more weight than others. No one should be shamed for not being a size 0 ; diversity is a wonderful thing. I mean I will never look like the slogan lady, because I don’t have that figure. And accepting that, is body acceptance. But instead of it being that simple and ending there, it’s kinda spilled over into this fighting arena of calling anyone who comments on the health of overweight people into question. And it’s wrong.

Because you know what? I’m not healthy. I’m dying man. I have size 5 feet and hands not much bigger than Smushy. I’m 163cm tall. I was not designed to carry this weight. I can buy all the plus size clothes off ASOS that I want. I can pretend that I’m proud of my body, but I’m not. It’s not about beauty or looking good, it’s about health. I am not curvy, I am fat. And I shouldn’t accept that this body is the right one for me. Because it’s not. I am not meant to be this weight, for my health. There is no medical condition; no medication or injury causing me to be this size. It is my own doing. And I am wasting my life being this way. I am setting the worst example of health for my child that I can. I am not angry at that silly slogan woman. I am not angry at the friends and family who gently try to help. I am angry at me. I am so fucking angry at myself.

And here’s the thing…it’s not about the weight. But it’s not, not about the weight. Yes I am overweight and unhealthy. But I am angry and unfulfilled. And I don’t know why. So I eat.

And now I am dizzy and uncomfortable with the notion that I have to figure out why I’m so damn angry.

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21 thoughts on “What’s my excuse? {There isn’t one}

  1. Lib

    I get it! I’m torn with that photo and caption too, but I am jealous, I’d love her motivation to look that good. But I just don’t.

    Reply
  2. Mumabulous

    Its a rule of thumb that just about everyone looks better than they think they do. You look gorgeous in your blog photos. Yet it really sounds like you’re not feeling great within yourself. Truthfully I dont feel great in myself either. Exercise is the only thing that makes me feel better.
    On the plus side of the ledger joining a gym with a creche gives you a welcome respite from the ankles biters and depending on what gym you are at – Oh my the eye candy 😉

    Reply
  3. Lisa Barton-Collins

    Great post – I know this was difficult to put out there, and well done on doing it so well. It’s such a tricky subject, and at the end of the day I think it does come down to your own health. You are allowed to want to be healthy without labeling it fat shaming.

    Bravo.
    xx

    Reply
  4. Mich

    I am hearing you loud and clear at the moment. My issue is simply that I’m lazy. We all get 24 hours in the day it’s just that some people utilise those hours way better than I do. How does one get motivation or energy?

    Reply
    1. Listen Sookie Post author

      I have no bloody idea. I am so much keener on lying on the couch with a book than I am running. Argh!! Tell me how if you find out! xx

      Reply
  5. Kristen

    Brave post Mez! Good on you!! Especially hard when you are a mum and hard to remember who you were as a person before you were this little person’s mum. I’ve struggled with it too. Hope you can find your inner peace and fulfillment you’re looking for lovely xxx

    Reply
  6. Lila

    It can be hard work getting to the why of why we are unhappy / angry / whatever harder than 2 hours in the gym because we can be afraid of the answer. But it’s totally worth it and I’m sure you’re strong enough to do it, you should be really proud of being so self aware. Don’t forget to be gentle with yourself while you are working on things though!
    Also I’m not sure that slogan was so much stupid as it was calculated clickbait.

    Reply
  7. Sit Down Mummy

    Hey Mez, you have a way with words my friend! Although the pic didn’t really bother me, I know a lot of the feelings you wrote about. For me, apart from the health thing it is also feeling nice about yourself. Whatever size, shape, kgs that fits with health and feeling nice about yourself would be the mark for me. I think that point is different for everyone. I was once told getting to that point would be 70% food choices and 30% training. I wish that % was the other way around! Hey I am the same height as you. If you want to support each other on email or anything, I am keen. Not to talk about kg or anything, but just to offer each other support and virtually high five each other when we do manage to make those steps towards feeling nice about ourselves. Katy x

    Reply
    1. Listen Sookie Post author

      Thanks Katy. I appreciate your kind words and I would love to take you up on your offer of virtual support. I need some tips on running. xxxx

      Reply
  8. Julie

    The caption/image pissed me off. What if I don’t have an excuse cause I don’t want. I would prefer to spend time with my children, partner etc instead of working out. Also it is making the assumption that her body is the ideal. Which it is not. Not everyone want a ripped tummy. My partner personally looked at her photo and said gross. I want to know what her excuse is for being so judgmental!

    Reply
    1. Listen Sookie Post author

      Even if I wanted those abs, which I don’t; I would never get them because of my shape and my c-section pouch!! I’d love to hear what she thinks of people who don’t want to attain her idea of perfection…

      Reply
  9. Megan

    Hey I really liked this post. I too struggle with my weight. I use food in ways it shouldn’t be used (ha ha that sounds wrong), I celebrate with food, I eat when I’m procrastinating, when I’m bored, when my kid is crying and the biggest bad of all, I eat when I’m depressed. Heck I even eat when I’m sick!

    Anyway, enough about me. I just wanted to say that I have ‘accepted’ my weight. I’m not proud of it, not happy with it but I suppose I’m happy with the fact it’s a work in progress. I’m trying. Constantly. To do the right thing. I compare myself to a smoker who tries to give up numerous times. I keep trying to be better……

    Reply
  10. Stacie

    I struggle with the same issues–especially the anger. I am finding out the reasons why I’m angry, and as I do so, and address those issues, I am feeling liberated. Not only liberated, but more accepting of my shape. As I become more accepting, I am more motivated to not only exercise, but also do other things that are good for me, like go to the salon and making new and exciting food. I’m still very new to this finding-myself process, but I see good things in my future. I hope for good things for all of your readers, and yourself, too. Thank you for writing!

    Reply

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