The Breastmilk in the Freezer {and Me..}

So I was searching through the freezer for some highly elusive mince the other day and I came across a single, lonely bag of frozen breast milk which had clearly been in there for months. I fed Addison till she was 15 months old and to be honest, I miss it. She self weaned and whilst I know that was the way I wanted it to be, I’m still sad about it. I remember thinking in the beginning I wouldn’t last a week. Little did I know how much of an awesome bonding experience it would be for us, and how strongly I would eventually feel about feeding till she weaned.

I stood there and stared at it. But I couldn’t throw it out. I found the mince, shut the freezer door and walked away. I just could not bring myself to throw away that last connection to such an important part of my mothering experience. The truth is, it feels like such a long time ago that Addison was a baby. She’s 19 months old now, hardly a grown up, but still, not a baby anymore. Sometimes I struggle to remember those early days. Sleep deprivation and shock has blurred the memories, and that makes me sad. Did it all really happen? Am I the only mother who struggles to clearly remember all the days gone by, frame by frame?

But when I really started thinking it all through I realised how my memories of the time before Addison was born are even more blurred. Those 2 years before she was born were crazy. We worked a lot, we partied a lot and we travelled a lot. We moved to Los Angeles and back. I had so much time. But what did I do with it all? Who was I?

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{Were we ever really that young, and well rested?}

The last week or two I have moved slowly through the days. Exhausted from insomnia; with one foot planted firmly in the past trying to remember, to feel those days, to see me again. I’ve written before about how my sense of self has dulled in motherhood. Of course it has, it’s impossible to not give away some of yourself, when all you do is give to that little person of yours. But now, almost 2 years on I absolutely need to fluff out the me part of me. I’m not ever going to be the pre-Addison me, and that’s OK. I just feel like I need to spend a bit more time remembering the past before I can move forward. I know some people say it’s not good to dwell on the past, but I don’t care. I’m happy to spend a few more weeks weaving in and out of the memories, gathering back the parts of me I want to keep and getting rid of the ones I no longer need.

I’m not sure what I’ll do with the frozen milk. It’s gotta go sometime. I know that. Maybe when we move; when we discard the life we have now, for the one we’ll have next. Who knows?

If you need me, I’ll be in 2011.

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20 thoughts on “The Breastmilk in the Freezer {and Me..}

  1. Katie

    Mez, I was only thinking the same thing last night about struggling to remember those early months. We were sorting (well husband was) through photos and videos on the computer and looking at some early videos of our boy. He’ll be 2 in 2 months time, and we just thought where have the days, months and years gone? X

    Reply
  2. Kylie Purtell, A Study in Contradictions

    I am the same, except now that I have Zee I keep remembering things that I totally forgot. About the sleeplesness, the teething, the days where all they want it to just be held by you. Sometimes Zee will do something and I get the strongest flashback to something that my brain must have purposefully buried deep, and I am so thankful that it’s been a easier second time around and not the same foggy haze it was with Punky.

    Reply
  3. Mamapotamus

    15 months is a good long time! Congrats on that – you win gold stars for being an awesome mom. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to toss out breast milk. Aside from what it represents, there was a lot of hard work that went into making that milk and it’s like liquid gold!

    Reply
    1. Listen Sookie Post author

      Thank you hun! It is liquid gold. I’m so glad we’ve connected through SITS! Looking forward to watching your pregnancy progress! X

      Reply
  4. Megan

    I have had similar feelings about losing and then finding ‘me’ again. For me personally, having Minnie (number 2) has made me whole and returned me to a more original form of who I am. I now feel more like old Megan than I ever did when it was just Isaac. Hmmm not sure why…

    Good luck with it all.
    X

    Reply
  5. Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell

    I definitely lost my sense of self in motherhood, but I liked it that way. Raising kids completely fulfilled me and when they left for college, I had nothing left. It took me a long time to figure out what to do with me as just me. Thus, blogging…

    Reply
  6. Melissa @ The Coupon Chronicles

    You are right about losing a bit of yourself when you have children, and you will never be the exact same person you once were. Actually, I am glad I am no longer that person. I never was really a selfish person. I mean, I have always been compassionate and caring, but until I had my daughters, I don’t think I really knew how much I could love, and how much I could give and share. Mine are 12 and 7 now. It is still a struggle finding that balance of being true to Myself and being Me VS. being Mommy, Wife, Chauffeur, Blogger, Housekeeper, Dish Washer extraordinaire, Sister, Friend, etc., etc., etc. Sometimes there is just not enough time for me. So, if you figure it out, let me know, K?

    Reply
  7. LaKita

    The time does certainly fly by so cherish and enjoy each moment and when you are ready…you will know what to do with the breast milk #SITSBlogging

    Reply
  8. Martha

    I don’t have kids of my own, but I think I understand that inability to let go of something apparently insignificant and not useful for anything because of the memories attached. There’s nothing bad about wanting to hang on to a marker of your daughter’s babyhood–she’ll be grown before you know it!!! Cherish the moments before they’re gone!

    Reply
  9. Meghan Riley

    It’s like you were writing for ME. There were many times in the beginning when I wanted to give up. Pain was usually the big reason. Now, I enjoy this one connection that she only shares with me. I’ll miss it when it’s time for her to wean.

    Reply
  10. Megan

    My second had even more clothes given to him so by the time he was out of three month clothes we had too many to store. I sorted through them to donate and sobbed because we are pretty sure we’re done.

    Reply
  11. Emma Fahy Davis

    I can definitely relate – my oldest will be 11 next week and sometimes when I remember an event or outing from before she was born I find myself thinking ‘where was Maya? Oh wait, that’s right…’

    Reply

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