I’m so Done….

large

I have never been as unattractive or unhealthy as I am right now. Before you roll your eyes and accuse me of it, let’s be clear. I am not fishing for compliments or sympathy. I am simply stating the facts. I am disgusting; inside and out. Officially, I am teetering on the edge of Type 2 Diabetes and a lifetime of medicated hell. Classified as obese, despite losing all my baby weight; my health and wellbeing a messed up by product of what is left behind. When I sit down my body spreads out around me and I want to die. How did I get this way? An adulthood of weight fluctuations, of disordered eating and obsession. Of addiction to sugar and salt; a defiance and reluctance to change, to accept.

I finally see. I can see what I really look like and it’s shocking. I have 2, maybe 3 outfits that fit and work with breastfeeding. In a time when I should be nourishing myself in order to nourish my baby, instead I eat nothing until I can’t stand it and then eat all I can. Sometimes I am so busy with my two littles that I simply have no time. My heart is full, but so are my hands. There is no time for me some days.

I get resolute, angry and call myself to action. But I always fail; I am a failure and promises of starting tomorrow are empty. We all know it. But I can’t ignore it anymore. The Doctor has told me so. It has to stop before I stop. For good. It’s sugar. Sugar is killing me. Don’t scoff at me; I am not paleo Pete or Sarah Wilson. I don’t believe in fads but I am addicted to it like a drug. My body is literally breaking down around me. I have the skin peeling off my hands and legs from it. Yet I can’t stop. My Dr advises me to stop completely and resolutely. It will be painful. Like detoxing from drugs or alcohol. She tells me this and I laugh. She isn’t joking. The joke is me.

Armed with a plan and orders to sit another GTT, so concerned about my BS levels they are, I promise to try. Not for me, but for Spouse and the Littles. WIsh me luck, God knows I need it.

EA4B1DC6672F801C5DCA2CFFA8EB2FE65

3 thoughts on “I’m so Done….

  1. Kerry

    Oh Mez. I really think you and I are soul mates. I know the feeling of being disgusted by yourself, and it’s hideous. But I want you to take comfort in the fact that you have changed your lifestyle and eating habits before, and you can do it again. Remember it’s 80% about diet and 20% about exercise. I guarantee you’re doing your 20% exercise chasing two littlies, but maybe you need to do some work on the diet part. I’ll be here to help you, and slow and steady will win the race. xo

    Reply
  2. Emily

    It’s funny I came across this, I have just been through this, my littlest girls is ten months old. I’m obese, very unattractive and unhealthy , worse then after I had twins 3 years ago. My doctor was very straightforward about my health and my mental health. I have not got my shit together. But it helps sometimes to know I’m not the only one. Good luck Mez with your journey and the fight. I’ll be fighting right along side you xx

    Reply
  3. Lornie

    Lordy I think we are living the same life. Thankfully my gestational diabetes went away but it scared the poop out of me for a while. Sadly the post partum thyroid issue has made itself a permanent home which sucks ass. It’s ridiculously hard to eat well when your time is taken up with 2 little ones. Even with only good stuff in the house it can be feast or famine. Stick with it chick you’ll get on track.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *