{Shark Thongs and Letterboxes}

I know that everyone bangs on about the afternoons being the hardest part of the day with kids and don’t get me wrong, it is indeed insanity between the hours of 4-7pm and often beyond when you’re dealing with several of the under 5 crew. I generally crack open a can or 4 of Diet Coke round 4.30pm and spend the next couple of hours alternating between thanking the sweet lawd Jeebus that I’m done having kids and yelling military style orders regarding pajamas and teeth brushing.

But alas no, for me right now it’s the mornings. They are doing my head in. I’m an organised person mostly; I have routines….I love routines; but our mornings are a goddamn firestorm of level 5 hell.

In the bizarro world, I imagine they could be like this…

After a full nights sleep, I wake an hour before all children and my alarm doesn’t wake the children because I don’t need one. Such is my rested state, that I awake naturally, by the soft light of the rising sun. I get dressed into fresh active wear and apply make up after washing and moisturising my rested, now dewy skin. I then drink hot fresh coffee and eat a nutritious, yet delicious breakfast of fruit and yoghurt. No one sticks their hand into my yoghurt because no one else is awake. I prepare breakfast and await my family to awake. Once waking calmly and peacefully, we all eat breakfast together. Spouse departs without rushing. The children get dressed and occupy themselves with imaginative, but quiet play whilst I tidy up and prepare for the day. We then calmly depart the house for whatever adventures await. The TV has not been switched on.

Right, so now let me give you a rundown of my morning as it actually occurred today.

4am. Addison and Hendrix wake up and start having a party in their room. Smushy is tickling the baby and talking in her microphone voice. I roll over and practically shove Spouse out of bed demanding he deals with it as I’ve been up at 1am and 3am already. He gets up and returns with the baby. This displease me greatly as the baby just ate at 3am. And 1am, and 11pm before that. Everyone settles back down until 6am when I am woken by Phoenix whispering in my ear loudly, ‘MUMMY I HAVE DONE A VERY BIG POO’. He needn’t have told me, I can smell it. Turns out Smushy is in the bed too and they are now having a fight because he touched her with his big toe. I gather my wits and roll out of bed looking for pants as it’s freezing and I only have a singlet and undies on due to the human heaters I sleep with. I locate my house pants and carry Phoenix off to get sorted. He’s going to kindy so I dress him and spend 10 minutes trying to convince him he cannot wear his shark thongs as it is in fact freezing bloody cold. The baby soon lets me know he’s awake by screaming the song of his people in full volume. Spouse is running late but agrees to drop off Phoenix early. Addison is demanding to go to Pre school  despite not being 100% clear of asthma. She is also demanding porridge and for some stupid reason I decide to lecture her on manners at this time. Focus, Merrill, focus. Scoop up baby and tickle him back to happiness which pleases us both immensely and send Spouse and Phoenix on their way. Sort out Madam’s porridge and the baby. Start to breathe normally again. Walk into bedroom and see Spouse has left his phone here. Farken. Pick up phone and realise I probably can’t chase after the car at this point. Have ingenious idea! I ring Kindy and tell one of the teachers what’s happened and could she please let Spouse know. 5 minutes later Spouse zooms onto lawn and beeps. I carry phone and baby out and pass phone over. At which point, as he is now heinously late, he reverses at speed, directly into our letterbox, knocking it clean over. Looks at me. Yells, ‘I”M LATE!!!!” And proceeds to drive off. I stand there whimpering about my little Micra until a voice emerges from behind me, ‘Mummy, can I PLEASE go to Pre- School today.’ Hey, she used her manners!

You can’t make this shit up.

I dunno. I mean I suppose I could try to wake earlier than the kids but I’m not sure I fancy a 3am wake up. Even for hot coffee. I understand that a calm morning probably preceeds a calm day but the c word isn’t really part of my vocab these days. We do manic really well; even with all the kids taking fish oil.

Do tell, are your mornings cray, or am I alone in my AM mania?



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