Many moons ago, when I had plenty of time and money to spare, I went to see a psychic. I don’t remember most of what he told me, I’m sure that I asked 5 run of the mill questions and that he probably gave me 5 run of the mill answers. What I actually remember is what he told me just before I walked out; that as I approached and entered the middle years of my life I would be the happiest and most at peace I’d ever been. At the time I remember scoffing at this. Middle years?! That would equate to old as fuck. How could I possible be happy about being old? My life at the time was carefree and rich with opportunity. We travelled, we partied and we slept. My career was fulfilling and our weekends were insane. I was happy; how could this not be the happiest time of my life?
But the truth is, right now, today…I am the happiest I have ever been. The psychic was right man! I am at peace with my choices, my truths and my self. I am settled but I am also open to change and what may be. I’m won’t say that youth is wasted on the young because the time before now was exactly as I wanted it to be. But within me, there has been this slow burning shift and the angst; the yearning for more; the drama of youth is gone. It’s not about having kids or our own home or all the other grown up shit. It’s my internal dialogue that has reshaped itself into something I’m really proud of. I no longer feel the need to please and prove. I am who I am. The haters do not faze me and the past is just that, passed. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not some sort of cray hard ass now. In fact, I’m softer than before; calmer. The fire that made me swirl to anger and hatred so quickly has burnt to a simmer. A controlled burn if you will. It’s there when needed, when required. I am no pushover but that rage is no longer unleashed on the reg.
We travelled recently; a much anticipated trip to Hong Kong and Disneyland. For my 37th birthday, Spouse gifted me a trip. What he doesn’t know is that he gave me so much more than that. Being there, in a fresh city, watching the world make it through another day, something woke up inside me. I had forgotten you see, how travel awakens you. How incredibly big the world is beyond these invisible boundaries we build around ourselves and those we love. I forget how beautiful humanity can be; how exasperating but fun it is to spend so much time with the one you love; lost but not really, in a world that isn’t yours but someone elses. This shift inside of me started a while ago but it was being overseas that unfurled the final turn. I am so grateful for the gift Spouse unknowingly gave me.
You wouldn’t know it probably; you wouldn’t be able to tell; how changed I am inside. Unless you poked and prodded; I probably would appear, to be exactly as I was before. But I haven’t changed for anyone or anything, and that’s the difference isn’t it? Youth if anything, is a chameleon. You chop and change to assimilate. You change and alter to please and prove. Those days are over; for me anyway.
I wrote this for me, but also for you. To put these realisations, these truths of late into words is so empowering. Being old doesn’t feel old. I feel the same in that respect as I did 10 years ago. I feel better really. Don’t fear the changing seasons. Like Monica said, “I don’t get older; I get better!” Yes, the madness of this life still knocks the air out of my lungs every few days but I no longer flail, no longer drown in the shallows of that madness.
I can swim now.