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I wrote this for me…{but also for you.}

Many moons ago, when I had plenty of time and money to spare, I went to see a psychic. I don’t remember most of what he told me, I’m sure that I asked 5 run of the mill questions and that he probably gave me 5 run of the mill answers. What I actually remember is what he told me just before I walked out; that as I approached and entered the middle years of my life I would be the happiest and most at peace I’d ever been. At the time I remember scoffing at this. Middle years?! That would equate to old as fuck. How could I possible be happy about being old? My life at the time was carefree and rich with opportunity. We travelled, we partied and we slept. My career was fulfilling and our weekends were insane. I was happy; how could this not be the happiest time of my life?

But the truth is, right now, today…I am the happiest I have ever been. The psychic was right man! I am at peace with my choices, my truths and my self. I am settled but I am also open to change and what may be. I’m won’t say that youth is wasted on the young because the time before now was exactly as I wanted it to be. But within me, there has been this slow burning shift and the angst; the yearning for more; the drama of youth is gone. It’s not about having kids or our own home or all the other grown up shit. It’s my internal dialogue that has reshaped itself into something I’m really proud of. I no longer feel the need to please and prove. I am who I am. The haters do not faze me and the past is just that, passed. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not some sort of cray hard ass now. In fact, I’m softer than before; calmer. The fire that made me swirl to anger and hatred so quickly has burnt to a simmer. A controlled burn if you will. It’s there when needed, when required. I am no pushover but that rage is no longer unleashed on the reg.

We travelled recently; a much anticipated trip to Hong Kong and Disneyland. For my 37th birthday, Spouse gifted me a trip. What he doesn’t know is that he gave me so much more than that. Being there, in a fresh city, watching the world make it through another day, something woke up inside me.  I had forgotten you see, how travel awakens you. How incredibly big the world is beyond these invisible boundaries we build around ourselves and those we love. I forget how beautiful humanity can be; how exasperating but fun it is to spend so much time with the one you love; lost but not really, in a world that isn’t yours but someone elses. This shift inside of me started a while ago but it was being overseas that unfurled the final turn. I am so grateful for the gift Spouse unknowingly gave me.

You wouldn’t know it probably; you wouldn’t be able to tell; how changed I am inside. Unless you poked and prodded; I probably would appear, to be exactly as I was before. But I haven’t changed for anyone or anything, and that’s the difference isn’t it? Youth if anything, is a chameleon. You chop and change to assimilate. You change and alter to please and prove. Those days are over; for me anyway.

I wrote this for me, but also for you. To put these realisations, these truths of late into words is so empowering. Being old doesn’t feel old. I feel the same in that respect as I did 10 years ago. I feel better really. Don’t fear the changing seasons. Like Monica said, “I don’t get older; I get better!” Yes, the madness of this life still knocks the air out of my lungs every few days but I no longer flail, no longer drown in the shallows of that madness.

I can swim now.

 

{Sounds on Sundays…}

I really wanted to blog this past week, but alas it was a complete clusterfuck round this joint. A relentless week of pre school holidays, activities, appointments and general post birthday mania. Rather than meditate to try and catch some mindfulness, each day I took note of some of the absolutely random shit that came out of my mouth and well, yeah. I dunno guys, it’s just living life I guess. Enjoy.

“SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS, WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES?”

“Yes Mummy is doing a wee. No, you cannot watch.”

“Yes, it’s too soon to start planning for Christmas.”

“Put your shoes on.”

“Please stop trying to catch your penis with the fishing rod toy.”

“No, I do not know Barbie personally, therefore I cannot call her for you.”

“Yes that’s right, we have to go home because you can’t live at the park.”

“STOP TRYING TO BITE GRANDMAS BUM WITH THE FROG CANASTA!”

“Put your shoes on now please.”

“Next time, try not to wee on the floor before you get in the bath.”

“Unfortunately no, Sea World is not our home and we cannot live there.”

“No you cannot have a credit card of your own and no you can’t use mine to buy the watermelon custard that you saw on YouTube.”

“SHOES. NOW”

“Please stop strangling the baby; he doesn’t like it.”

“Yes I know glue doesn’t taste good. That’s why I told you not to eat it.”

“No, baby Hendrix doesn’t actually have to have a shower at the baby shower. It’s a party for a soon to be Mummy.”

“Mummy didn’t mean to say the f word. It came out accidentally because that lady can’t drive.”

“STOP LICKING THE SALT SHAKER!”

“Fine, just wear your slippers.”

Have a great week guys!

{Five Years of You….}

 

And just like that, you are 5!  Our first born, our eldest, our daughter. I still remember the day I ran down the steps of our apartment building in Los Angeles to tell your daddy I was pregnant. It had all happened so quickly! I spent most of your pregnancy vomiting and though I tried for over 60 hours, you just wouldn’t come out the chute and so, on that Sunday night in July, they brought you into the world via the sun roof. You were huge, nearly 4.5kg and 56cm long. It seems both so long ago and also just like yesterday.

For two and a half years you had us to yourself and I am so grateful for that time with you. You won’t remember those times but I always will. How you loved Disneyland and your weekly music class but hated pureed food. How you couldn’t get enough of the pool at swimming and how determined you were to do everything by yourself, even if it meant you scared us half to death.

Addison, I am sorry that you sometimes had me at my worst. New to mothering, I flailed around trying to navigate this brave new world I’d entered. I was so inexperienced despite so much experience with kids. Like everyone, I thought I knew and I truly had no idea of the impact of a brand new life on me and my old life. I’m sorry I fumbled through different tactics and routines and that sometimes I just wanted you to step back so I could breathe. I wasn’t prepared for the massive need that a baby possesses and I know it took me some time to adjust.  I’m sorry that I spent so much time stressed out over your sleep; to the point where we both sat crying as I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t do what the book said and you couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just pick you up and feed you off to sleep. The truth is, like you learning to live, we had to learn how to parent. Daddy and I, Addison, we are still learning. I know we sometimes don’t get things right and I know we sometimes expect too much of you. This is our problem to resolve and I’m trying little girl; I’m trying so hard to help you navigate this world without stepping on your toes or dimming your glow.

I’m sorry that I put you through 2 extremely difficult pregnancies. That I spent so much time away from you in the hospital and in my head. I’m sorry that when your world shifted with the arrival of Phoenix, I was too tired to provide as much support as I should have. I’m sorry it took me time to maneuver myself into the role of a mother of 3 and that sometimes I yelled at you and expected you to do more than you were capable of doing. Addison, thank you for loving your brothers so fiercely like you do. They are so lucky to have you as their big sister.

Addison, I know you have some challenges ahead of you. I know your sometimes unpredictable focus and constant chatter will cause concern for you as you enter big school next year. I promise I will do everything I can to assist you in this next step. I wish I could just lay down a smooth path for you as you navigate this crazy world. That I could shield you from the not so nice aspects of being alive. Instead I promise to advocate for you and support you as much as I can.

Addison, you are a smart, caring and sensitive soul. You have so much potential and so much goodness to give this world. You are funny and irreverent and assertive to the point of insanity. Today and every day, we wish you nothing but joy, laughter and love. Thank you for choosing us and for making us parents.

Addison, thank you for making me a Mother. It may be your birthday, but it was me who was given the bestest gift of all; you.

Happy Birthday Smushy, we love you.